Snore Guard

A couple weeks ago, I'm sleeping, and I get this elbow to the jugular, a knee to the back, and am judo flipped by the wife. According to the Beav, I was snoring
at dangerous decibel levels, and had to be shut down.

I've never been a snorer. Suppose this is some odd proximity symptom. But I do like my sleep, and I was informed the next morning that this pattern of "aggressive wheezing" would not stand. So I could expect more brutality unless I made an adjustment.

So we get these breathe right strips, like the kind Jerome Bettis wears. I was dubious.

Night one, I peel this thing off and following the directions, strap it to the bridge. It's got a metal backing, and attaches to the nostrils, flaring them out to clear your nasal passage.

Of course, about twenty minutes into REM cycle one, the Irish Oil kicks in, releasing one of the containment units. I wake up with this shiv standing at attention on the right side of my face. I rip this thing off - painful, and attempt to toss in trashcan. Stuck to finger. Hot water required to remove the addition. Fine.

Night two, Beav encourages me to "stick with it". I wake up with this thing in my hair. The pillow appears shredded.

Night three, it attacks the wife. We think I'm not snoring as much though.

Morning four, forget it's on my face, coffee secured out of quarters, neighbors appear worried, barista makes linebacker joke. Har har.

Directions say I'm all fixed six days into treatment - remain doubly dubious, worry the structure of the nose has been permanently reassigned.

NEWSFLASH - apparently there's a sister treatment that attaches to the chin and prevents teeth grinding. I love science. We're going for it, even though I'm not a teeth grinder, as a preventative measure. Will attempt to photograph results.

If we could find a sticky strip to keep my stomach contained, we'd be in business.